Fear of banting. There, I said it.

March 15th, 2016 § 10 comments

Is it a dwarf nut cup or a polyp spliced with a humongous kidney stone? NO, it’s a banting bokdrol!

After a lifetime of never having to diet – sure, I’ve cut DOWN but never cut stuff OUT, completely – I took a daylight, panic attack-inducing look at my waist, calcualted the cost of upsizing my wardrobe and promptly messaged a friend: “Hey, could you send me the recipe for those banting cocoa things, please?”

Because if I were to really start dieting, I need to know there is a good eat-as-much-as-you-can snack in the mix.

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 14.47.04

DO MY FINGERS LOOK BIG IN THIS??

 

A friend lost an impressive amount of weight by banting and feasting on these nibbles whenever temptation reared its ugly potato head. Her instructions were to melt some coconut oil (about 3 tbsp), add cocoa (2 tbsp), Xylitol (2 tbsp), toasted almonds (100g packet of slivers) and dessicated coconut (125 ml). Melt, mix, pop in an ice tray and freeze. She used an ice tray with funky shapes and I used one with small, pointy hollows, hence the solitaire look. Within minutes you have guilt-free approximations of a decadent treat. Like a chocolate hologram but you can eat it.

Doesn’t Xylitol just look like something Walter White cooked up in a trailer? Some people don’t like black food or orange food but I don’t want to eat anyting with an X in it. Along with xylophones, x-rays and xenophobes, Xylitol has been top of my Do Not Eat List. But now that I know it’s a sugar alcohol… well, that makes it kind of okay, doesn’t it?

If I sound angry, don’t think I’m pissed off with these cute little fake chocolates. They’re actually quite nice. I’ve had about thirteen today already. I’m just not very pleased with my (COMPLETE) inability to cut out all carbs. A year ago I joked that I did banting with a side of bread. It’s clearly not working out for me.

Oh, how we fool ourselves. “But I don’t eat much” I protest – because it simply CAN’T be the two glasses of red a night. Anything else, just, LEAVE THE WINE.

But a quick midday tally revealed:

Breakfast: 1 banana (basically belly fat in a peel); 4 dwarf choc cups (I’m going with that description); an apple (they’re CARBS for f’sakes!); coffee with Xylitol and a swig of boiling hot water with apple cider vinegar that scalded the skin off my palate. Bubbled and came off in long strips, I tell you.

As you can see I’m all over the place, too scared to commit to a decent, hunger-busting meal and instead committing the ultimate weight-loss sin: chronic snacking. Add two more dwarf chocolate cups.

Lunch: 1 triangle of my son’s leftover cheese sandwich, scoffed on the road. He cried a bit but mommy needed it more. A smallish bowl of leftover, very creamy stroganoff and RICE hahahahahaahahahaaaa banting is for pussies ahahhahahahahahhahahaaahaha and 8 more dwarf chocolate cups at last count. The nuts are really hurting the raw patches in my mouth.

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh booohooohoooo hoohoooo WHY AM I SO FAT????? Heheeehiheeeh (ugly cry face) hooohohooo.

This crap is my mental process right now, in a nutshell, sweetenend with Xylitol.

I clearly need some exercise. Or, a glass of wine?

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§ 10 Responses to Fear of banting. There, I said it."

  • Fajyna Fatfinga says:

    finally somebody who understands!

  • Wanda says:

    Ha ha Bianca! Sounds exactly like me….just I know for a fact I ve got more weight to loose than you. I also cannot imagine never having bread an a glass or two of red!
    I have yet to stick to any kind of diet for longer than half a day….therefor I also clain never to have been on a diet!:-)

  • LOL -> Like a chocolate hologram but you can eat it.

  • Nina Keyser says:

    Haha Bianca! Wat ‘n fabulous blog. Ek het tot gevolgtrekking gekom banting = sonde: Nagmaal = brood + wyn. Banting = geen brood of wyn
    Dus: Banting = geen nagmaal
    Geen nagmaal = eternal damnation (of soortgelyk – ek was in standerd 9 laas in die kerk)
    Banting = eternal damnation
    So, for the sake of your soul, this Easter, have some bread and wine (and chocolate bunnies)!

  • Antie Bantie says:

    Bianca, what an hilarious post! I totally relate, especially with the meltdown you experienced.

    I cannot imagine going to a braai and NOT have potato salad or a braaibroodjie.

    I signed up for the free 8 day trial to watch some of the Real Meal Revolution videos. Got so freaked out, I ate my cheap chocolate slab while Prof Noakes was blathering on about fat or something.

    I cannot commit to this. After all, you only die once!
    🙂

    • Bianca says:

      We are birds of a feather, Antie Bantie! Thanks for the lovely feedback and enjoy that next slice of toast!

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